


i feel it in my bones (enough to make my systems blow)

by crankybossiplier



Series: i'm a revolution [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Angst, Angst and Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Families of Choice, Fluff, I think it is, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Multi, Other, Polyamory, Unreliable Narrator, aromantic Charles Lee, but it varies, get ready for the angst train y'all, i guess, i put these boys through some shit, idk how tags work, idk man, internalised arophobia, is that an accomplishment or do i need help, is this the first thing for this poly ship, mainly charles-centric, non-binary Lafayette, tagging to be safe, this fic is all over the place honestly, unnamed mental health issues, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 09:58:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14376402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crankybossiplier/pseuds/crankybossiplier
Summary: John and Charles had known each other since they were children. To everyone, including themselves, it looked like they didn't like each other. They would be right. They bickered and argued about just about everything, but still they sat together at break and talked about whatever was happening. They still managed to argue about that, too.People often wondered why they were the way they were.(Nobody ever really got it right.)





	i feel it in my bones (enough to make my systems blow)

**Author's Note:**

> me: is this an accomplishment or do I need help  
> friend and beta: yes
> 
> so  
> I started this on the 5th of February and finally finished it today
> 
> this is honestly a vent fic seeing as I've been suuuuuuper depressed over the past few months and my gay poly heart just wants love  
> I've also been questioning my place on the aro spectrum so this is also something to do with that. in no way am I claiming that all aro-spec people have an experience like this. this is drawn from some aro-spec people I know and my own feelings and experiences.  
> this also stems from my own mental health issues and experiences of shit. so if it seems a little unrealistic, well, my brain isn't very realistic and I might have subconsciously exaggerated some stuff for the sake of the story
> 
> also I'm lowkey leerens trash and this came out. I did want to include Hercules in it but I decided that he would appear in a sequel if I ever decide to write one. maybe. who knows.
> 
> **!!trigger warnings are at the bottom of the fic!!**
> 
> anyways, that's enough from me. stay safe everyone, and I hope you enjoy my brainchild <3
> 
> (title from "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons)

John and Charles had known each other since they were children. To everyone, including themselves, it looked like they didn't like each other. They would be right. They bickered and argued about just about everything, but still they sat together at break and talked about whatever was happening. They still managed to argue about that, too.

People often wondered why they were the way they were.

(Nobody ever really got it right.)

\---

They went through their primary schooling and into their secondary schooling that way. But as they were in high school now, they had come to realise that the world wasn't as simple as it seemed when they were children.

They still sat together. They still bickered and argued. They still acted like jerks to each other, and everyone wondered what their deal was.

(Nobody had gotten it right yet.)

\---

They grew up a little. Things began to change. They started learning things about themselves - some pleasant, some less so.

John learned that he loved to draw and paint, and he was really good at it.

Charles learned that he didn't particularly enjoy doing anything.

John's mom announced she was pregnant. 

Charles’ mom announced that she, her husband and Charles’ sister were leaving to go overseas.

(Perhaps they had learned something else, but they wouldn't admit it to themselves, let alone anyone else.)

\---

Things changed rapidly from there on out.

John's mother died giving birth to her daughter.

Charles’ mother rarely contacted him, other than to ask if he had received his allowance.

John stopped drawing.

Charles stopped caring.

Teachers and students alike noticed the changes the boys were going through. They were both more reckless, careless, and antagonistic towards others, even each other. They both started coming to school with bruises and cuts on their knuckles, and the occasional black eye.

Everybody began avoiding them more than usual.

(Nobody guessed that each of their parents were bordering on abusive.)

\---

John's first girlfriend didn't last long, and for a while he blamed Charles for that. 

But Charles knew that John only dated Martha Manning, as lovely as she was, to please his father. Maybe to try to prove something to himself. So Charles let Martha hear them arguing, and Martha broke up with John the next day.

John avoided Charles for a week after that.

But it wouldn't last. It couldn't. John slid into the cafeteria seat opposite Charles in a heavy silence. There was no need for words.

People still wondered why they put up with each other.

(Nobody guessed that they didn’t have anyone else.)

\---

They learn about Alexander Hamilton when he moves to the country and is taken in by George Washington, one of the most influential men in the state, and his wife. Alexander is like a hurricane, and makes quite an impression by punching the school council president and getting into an argument with Aaron Burr. 

John is immediately drawn towards the young, scrappy and hungry orphan boy with nothing to lose.

Charles can tell. He doesn’t mind.

(He did.)

\---

Change happens again.

John meets Alexander. Alexander is immediately intrigued by him. They get along like a house on fire.

Charles really doesn’t mind.

(He really does.)

\---

A new whirlwind comes to their school, but this one doesn’t speak very much English.

This one calls themself something-or-other de Lafayette, and they have the air of someone that ran away from something. Whether it was something bad, nobody could really tell.

Nobody could keep up with all their names either.

John and Alexander introduce themselves in French, and Lafayette looks about ready to cry from relief.

Charles watches from afar. He was never good for John anyway.

He drifts away unnoticed. Nobody cared.

(John noticed. Maybe he cared.)

\---

Lafayette’s family knew George Washington, so they see Alexander often.

Alexander invites John a lot.

Charles is left behind. He doesn’t mind.

(He misses John, just a bit. He downs a few cans of beer that night)

\---

John saw Alexander and Lafayette kiss. They didn’t notice him.

He comes over to Charles’ house that night, with red eyes and scraggly hair. He’s looking for a fight.

Charles just raises an eyebrow and turns around. John follows him into the kitchen. Charles gives him a beer, and he drinks it far too quickly for it to be a normal love gone wrong.

Charles asks which one he had fallen in love with.

John just looks at him with empty eyes.

(Even if he doesn’t say it, Charles understands.)

\---

John starts avoiding Alexander and Lafayette after that, even if he doesn’t consciously realise he’s doing it. He starts recluding into himself again, losing what little happiness being with the other two had quietly began to bring out.

He’s not sure when it starts, but Charles suddenly realises that he resents Hamilton and Lafayette for breaking John like they did. In his rational mind he knows it’s unfair to them, as they couldn’t help what they felt for each other and apparently didn’t feel for John, but Charles still hates them anyway.

Maybe he’s a little jealous of them. They got to see a side of John that Charles rarely did, that he didn’t know how to reveal.

(He feels guilty that he’s glad to have John back.)

\---

Charles knows that Alexander and Lafayette are confused. John doesn’t. Neither Alexander nor Lafayette realise what they did to John, and they look at one another with concern whenever John declines invitations and hurries to join Charles. Charles is usually doing something boring, because he doesn’t know what’s interesting to him.

One day the two approach Charles about it. They know that he and John are as close as they can get to friends, and they ask him if John is okay.

Charles says no, but he doesn’t elaborate. He looks both of them in the eye until they realise. He doesn’t tell John they know.

(Neither of them ask if Charles is okay.)

\---

John makes a decision, and something changes between him and Charles. Charles isn’t entirely sure what until a text at two in the morning tells him that John is outside his front door. Charles gets up to let him in.

John reaches up and roughly grabs Charles’ bare shoulders, and then he is kissing him. Charles gasps and John takes the opportunity to push Charles back a few steps into the house. The door slams behind him and Charles pulls away. John's eyes are scared, pleading and knowing all at once. 

Charles doesn't lean back down but when John kisses him again, he doesn't stop him. When Charles digs his fingers into John's waist the boy gasps and presses up against him, and doesn't stop him. When John tugs Charles in the direction of his bedroom, he doesn't stop him. When Charles all but rips John's clothes off, he doesn't stop him.

When John, naked and kiss-bitten with his hair in disarray, looks up from being spread out on the bed and begs yet demands Charles to fuck him, he does.

(There's something missing.)

\---

John is curled into Charles’ side. They lie in silence. Neither are asleep, yet neither say a word. Neither are sure what they could say, or if their is anything to say.

“This is a bad idea,” Charles says honestly. 

“I know,” John replies with equal honesty. 

“We should never do this again,” Charles says. John agrees.

Still, when John slowly leans over Charles and kisses him on the lips, something stirs in his stomach. 

He can't tell what it is.

(But he can tell what isn't there at all. He just doesn't know why.)

\---

Nothing changes on the surface - if anything, they seem even colder to one another than before. They don't even argue. Neither of them have any more words to say.

Alexander and Lafayette slowly manage to work their way back into John’s small circle of trust. Charles isn't sure how they do it, but he doesn't stop them. Actually, he's pretty sure he wants them to.

He isn't good for John. Whatever fucked up kind of relationship they have, its been toxic from the beginning. Charles knows this, even if John doesn't.

(But like a cigarette, John is something Charles won't be able to quit easily, if he even can.)

\---

John still has feelings for Alexander and Lafayette. He never imagined it would take so long to get over a crush.

But was it actually a crush?

In a lapse of judgement, he agrees to spend a night over at Alexander's house. He immediately curses himself, but there's no backing out now. He lies to his father and says they have a long project to work on, and he's allowed to go.

The tension is so thick between them you could cut it with a butter knife, but just before it gets unbearable Alexander blurts out, “We like you, John.” John stops dead. Alexander continues, “We realised that something changed when Laf and I got together and it took us ages to realise that we hurt you, and we really miss you and we both like you.”

Lafayette takes over. “What Alexander means to say is that we both have feelings for you, in a romantic sense. We miss your companionship, John, and we no longer wish to be without it.”

John cries. So do Alexander and Lafayette. But they're happy.

(But there is something missing.)

\---

John tells Charles about his new relationship the next day. Charles’ heart seems to stop for a second before it starts up again double time.

He puts his hand on John’s shoulder and says his congratulations.

He’s not lying. He is happy for John. Alexander and Lafayette are good for John, so much better than he could ever be. They help John. They don’t make John a better person, but they help John find the little part of himself that wants to be a better person. To try harder. To smile, laugh, paint, love.

If Charles goes back to his house that night and gets himself blackout drunk, he doesn’t tell John.

He doesn’t tell anyone. 

(He doesn’t go to school the next day, either.)

\---

Alex and Lafayette are confused. They adore John, they really do, but they’re also confused by him. More specifically, confused by John’s odd relationship with Charles. They seemed to be together all the time beforehand, but since their relationship they’ve been drifting apart again. It seems like they’re a ticking bomb just waiting to go off.

They decide to ask John about it.

“So, what’s up with that Lee kid, anyway?” Alex asks. He’s trying to sound lighthearted to mask his uneasiness.

John freezes. “What do you mean?” he asks, his voice shaky.

Lafayette licks their lips, a little nervous. “Well,  _ Jacque _ , we notice that the two of you seem close and yet, very distant. Alexander and I are simply confused.”

John shrugs. “There’s nothing to be confused about. Charles and I… we’ve known each other forever. We grew up together. But we’re not…  _ friends _ .” He exhales heavily and runs a hand through his hair. “Let’s change the subject?”

Alexander and Lafayette look at each other, still confused, but agree with John’s wishes. 

(There’s something more.)

\---

It’s when Charles wakes up one morning, hungover beyond belief, that he realises something. It hits him like a punch to the face, identical to the way John punches.

John.

That’s it.

John  _ fucking _ Laurens.

John and Charles. The two of them had always been together - it was hard to think of a time when they were apart. They had never considered themselves friends in any way, but they had always somehow been there for each other. They had always turned to each other when they needed someone to vent to. It was just how it’s always been.

And now that John had other people, more people,  _ better _ people to go to, why would he come to Charles anymore?

Charles Lee. Once a son, a brother, and almost a friend.

Now he’s nothing.

(Everything has run its course.)

\---

The call comes months later,when John is with Alexander and Lafayette. It’s raining outside, and the three lovers are curled up in Lafayette’s bed and speaking gentle French. Hands trail gently over chests and faces and through hair, and they are simply content to just… be.

Until John’s ringtone breaks the silence, making them all jump. Alexander and Lafayette watch as John pulls his phone out of his jacket pocket and tense as he looks at the caller ID.

He clenches his fist as he answers, and the other two immediately know who’s on the other end of the line. 

Whatever Charles says to John obviously scares him, because John’s shoulders slump and he turns to look at them with wide and frightened eyes.

“Charles,” he says, “what are you doing?” A Pause. Alexander and Lafayette can’t make out the muffled voice coming through the phone. “Don’t. Charles,  _ don’t _ -” The language changes from frightened English into slightly frantic Spanish. Alexander freezes, and Lafayette moves to get off the bed.

Before they can move again, John is already rushing out of the room. By the time they get to the front door, he is long gone. He had run out into the pouring rain with the darkness falling around him without a second thought.

(A part of them isn’t surprised.)

\---

John finds Charles exactly where he said he was: leaning against the barrier of a bridge. He has a bomber jacket on, but the hood isn’t up. His hair is plastered to his face and he is soaked through, but he is not shivering. In fact, he doesn’t look fazed at all by the near-thunderstorm around them.

Charles doesn’t look around as John races up beside him. He doesn’t look at John when he is dragged back from the edge. He doesn’t look at John when he is turned around, or when John’s hands grip his arms. He closes his eyes when John puts his hands on either side of his face and tilts his head down to look at him.

His eyes fly open when John crushes his lips against his own.

John pulls away, his eyes intense. There is something in them, in his expression, that Charles cannot read. “You asshole,” John says, but his voice cracks. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you  _ fucking _ dare.”

Charles doesn’t say anything. John understands anyway.

Alexander and Lafayette find them a short while later, collapsed on the ground. Charles’ head is buried into John’s shoulder, and he is sobbing.

(He hasn’t cried since long before his family left.)

\---

They bring Charles back to Lafayette’s house, where they force Charles into the shower before he gets sick. John all but collapses on the end of Lafayette’s bed, burying his head in his hands.

Alexander tentatively sits next to John and Lafayette kneels down in front of John. Lafayette takes John’s hands in their own and brings them down to John’s lap. They squeeze his hands gently. “What happened?” they ask softly.

John licks his lips. “He…” He audibly swallowed. “He was going to jump. Or, he was thinking about it. I don’t know. I couldn’t let him. I don’t, I don’t know what I’d do if he…” he trailed off, unable to find the words. “He wouldn’t listen to me. He wasn’t going to listen to me, so I…”

Alexander and Lafayette looked at each other as John pulled his hands out of Lafayette’s grip and put his head in his hands again.

It’s Alexander who inevitably speaks. “You kissed him, didn’t you?” John is still for a moment, then a single nod. “You love him.”

John breaks. He cries. He cries for everything he’s lost, for the love he can’t have, for the boy he nearly lost that evening. Alexander and Lafayette don’t say another word; they hold him tight in silent reassurance.

(They never thought it would happen like this.)

\---

Eventually Lafayette has to pull Charles out of the shower. They dress him in some of their older, softer clothes, and Charles doesn’t need to say a word for them to know that he is grateful. For the first time since they’ve known Charles, his eyes betray his every thought, every emotion.

When the two of them go back into Lafayette’s room, they find John and Alexander asleep. John is curled into Alexander’s chest, and Alexander is holding John as if protecting him from the rest of the world. So instead of joining them like they might otherwise do, Lafayette takes Charles out to the kitchen, sits him down at the table and gives him a warm cocoa drink.

Charles doesn’t drink it. He stares down into the mug, gripping it so tight his knuckles turn white. Lafayette takes another seat at the table and puts their hands over Charles’. He looks up, surprised, and sees nothing but acceptance in Lafayette’s eyes.

“John was terrified, you know,” they murmur, deep voice and rich accent somehow soothing Charles’ unsteady mind. “He was so scared he was going to lose you. He cannot lose you, especially not like this.”

Charles doesn’t understand. “It’s too late,” he manages to choke out. “I’m already gone.”

Lafayette’s hands tighten around his own. “No,” they say, “nobody is completely lost. If they were, I would have been lost a long time ago.”

Charles doesn’t completely understand the years behind Lafayette’s words. Lafayette gently urges his hands upwards, and he takes a sip of the drink. It’s so  _ warm _ .

(He realises he wants to understand.)

\---

They talk for what feels like hours, Charles and Lafayette. They talk about what brought Charles to this point, and they quickly figure out that most of it has something to do with John.

Nobody has ever allowed Charles to open up before, to just talk. He finds himself laying all his cards on the table, finding words for things he hadn’t even known about himself before now.

He talks about John. Lafayette asks if Charles is in love with him, and Charles finds that he can’t answer that. “I want him,” he says instead. “I’ve wanted him since before he met you two. I want to be his and I want him to be mine but… I don’t know if I’m in love with him. I don’t know what love feels like.”

Lafayette tilts their head thoughtfully at this. “He wants you, too,” they say softly.

Charles shakes his head. “He loves you two,” he says, “I can see that. “He loves you two with everything he has.”

Lafayette smiles gently. “He loves you, too. Perhaps it is not the same love, but he loves you all the same.”

“He’s always been there,” Charles blurts out. “Through all the shit we’ve both been through, John’s always been there. I already know I don’t love like…  _ normal people _ , but in whatever fucked-up way I love, I love him. I know I’m contradicting myself but  _ fuck _ , it’s always been him. I’m just…” he exhales heavily and hangs his head. “I’m not good for him. I’m not what he needs. I’m not normal enough for him.”

Lafayette takes Charles’ hand in their own. “You’re right,” they say. “I don’t think you do love the way he does, or Alexander, or myself. Charles, have you ever considered that you might be aromantic?”

He stops, and furrows his brow. “What’s that?”

Lafayette smiles at him.

(For the first time in years, there is a spark of hope.)

\---

Charles isn’t entirely sure how it happens. Lafayette talks to him some more, and with every word they say Charles feels something clicking in his brain, something suddenly making sense.

Eventually Lafayette creeps into their room to get their laptop, taking care not to wake the sleeping boys in there (they haven’t moved much - John’s head is buried in Alex’s shoulder, and Alex’s hand is resting on top of John’s curls that Charles just  _ knows _ are soft to the touch), and sits Charles down on the couch as they pull up some websites. They hand the laptop off to Charles to read, and watch him carefully as he scrolls through the sites. More things begin to make sense.

He isn’t sure how it happens. Some YouTube videos come up and Charles is getting so,  _ so _ tired. Lafayette supports him against their shoulder, a gentle hand between his shoulder blades.

He isn’t sure how it happens, but as soon as the last video ends, he falls asleep in Lafayette’s arms.

He doesn’t know that Lafayette looks down at the poor boy in their arms with an unexpected fondness. They close the laptop and set it aside, and lean back against the arm of the couch. They pull the blanket over the back of the couch over the two of them, and Charles sleeps with his back against Lafayette’s chest and his head tucked under their chin. His hair drops over his eyes, and Lafayette gently brushes it aside.

Charles shouldn’t be hopeful, but for the first time in god knows how long, even in his sleep, he is.

(He doesn’t know that the other three are hopeful along with him.)

\---

Charles wakes up alone, and for a moment he’s scared that the previous night was a dream. He’s scared that when he opens his eyes the comfortable cushion under his head will turn into his own too-flat pillows, and that the soft covering over him will turn into the rough bedclothes that he rarely bothers to wash. Bracing himself, he opens his eyes.

Nothing changes.

He inhales slowly, and exhales silently.

“ _ Buenos días, _ ” a voice says to him, coming from someone he cannot see.

He slowly pulls himself up into a sitting position. “ _ ¿Que hora es? _ ” He asks the question in Spanish without thinking.

“ _ Casi ocho _ ,” says the voice again, and Charles looks over to see Alexander leaning against the kitchen counter, looking at him through a few loose clumps of hair that had fallen out of his bun. Charles never realised that Alexander spoke Spanish as well as English and French. “Yeah,” Alexander says, “I’ve been fluent in all three since I was a kid.” Charles blinks, not having meant to say that out loud. “I didn’t know you spoke Spanish until John started speaking it last night.”

Charles nods carefully. “I’m from Colombia,” he says in explanation, not entirely sure why.

Alexander also nods, but thoughtfully. “Caribbean,” he replies. Charles nods once, and looks down. Alexander comes around the counter and moves over to him, sitting on the opposite arm of the couch. “You scared the fuck out of John last night. And you scaring John scared Laf and me, so really you scared the fuck out of all of us.” He sighs. “I’ve had some experience with suicide before, and I don’t want to see someone else I care about do something stupid.”

Charles looks up. “Someone you care about?” he asks slowly. Why is his accent thick? Why does he sound like his father?

Alexander shrugs. “Well, John cares about you, and I love John. By extension, I care about you.” When Charles doesn’t reply, he goes on, “John was freaking terrified. We found both of you in the pouring rain, and he was crying so much. He cried himself to sleep while you and Laf were talking. I guess I fell asleep too, because I woke up with Laf in the bed and came out here to find you knocked out on the couch.”

“Yeah.” Charles looks away again. “I’m sorry about that.”

“Hey, it’s Laf’s house. If they didn’t want you here you wouldn’t be here, so obviously they want you here.”

“Why?” Charles blurts out before he can stop himself. “Why do you want me here?” He’s not sure who he’s asking. “Why do people suddenly want to help me?” He presses the heels of his palms into his eyes. “I don’t understand.”

Alex’s hands are suddenly around his wrists, and only when he allows him to pull them away from his face does he realise that he’d been digging his nails into his skin. “Look at me, Charles,” Alexander asks quietly, and Charles swallows before doing so. Alexander moves his hands so that he’s holding Charles’ in his own. “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. We’re all going to be  _ okay _ .”

He isn’t completely sure he believes it.

(He really wants to believe it.)

\---

John and Lafayette come out a bit later, hand-in-hand. Charles can’t look either of them in the eye, so he looks down into the mug of coffee that Alexander made him instead. He pretends that the hot ceramic doesn’t burn his hands.

He faintly registers that Lafayette goes to Alexander and the two begin murmuring in quiet French. Charles can’t understand a word the two are saying, but he probably wouldn’t be able to even if they were speaking English. They appear to come to some sort of agreement and the two then move over to John, who has not moved from the doorway to the bedroom.

When John comes over to him, Charles physically can’t look up at him. It’s like someone is holding his head down. His shoulders are tense. He’s not sure what he’s expecting - to get shoved off the chair? Punched in the face? Yelled at? - but he’s not expecting John’s gentle hands to cup his face and softly force it up and to the side.

He’s not expecting John’s gentle lips to kiss his own in such a soft way, as if Charles might break at any second. Charles himself thinks he might at the thousand alarm bells in his brain fighting against the warmth that spread through his chest and his stomach.

John pulls back, and his green, green eyes search Charles’ face. “ _ Buenos días, idiota, _ ” he says quietly.

Charles chances a glance over John’s shoulder at Alexander and Lafayette. Lafayette is standing behind Alexander with their arms around his shoulders, and Alexander is holding Lafayette’s hands against his chest. They’re both looking at the exchange between Charles and John with kind and warm smiles on their faces. Alexander jerks his head to the side a little and Lafayette waves his hand in what appears to be a welcoming gesture.

So Charles looks back to John, whose hands have not left his face, and searches his eyes. He sees so many things in those eyes. He sees John’s father, unaccepting and unsupportive of his eldest son. He sees John’s mother, the beautiful and kind woman taken too soon. He sees Alexander and Lafayette, the two people who love John and who John loves more than anything else in the world. But now, John is looking at Charles pleadingly.

Charles cannot let his John down. So he says, “ _ Buenos días _ .”

(He’s not sure when he started thinking of John as  _ his John _ .)

\---

They want him. All of them want all of him and he’s not sure what to do with that information. John kisses him again and again and again, and every time he looks at either Lafayette or Alexander - for permission or something else, he’s not sure, he’s not very sure about anything anymore - and every time they just smile at him.

When he finally asks, they all tell him that they really  _ do _ care about him. They care about him, and they want him as he is. They want him.  _ They want him _ . He can’t get the words to go away.

Someone wants him.

Someone cares about him.

Lafayette starts with hand kisses and soft touches. Alexander starts with shoulder squeezes and kisses on the temple.

Charles sees the three of them with each other. They have begun to work each other out down to the very core, to adjust themselves to suit a small movement of another. Once, Charles would have been angry at seeing it. Angry and jealous.

Well, he’s still jealous. But they endlessly tell him that he belongs with them too. They tell him that they don’t care that he can’t deal with romance very well, that some romantic things are foreign and even uncomfortable to him, or that he’s aromantic. They want to help him, and they want to be with him.

( _ They want him. _ )

\---

Things start to change, but for once, they’re good changes. Welcome changes. Alexander easily becomes Alex. Lafayette somewhat awkwardly becomes Laf.

During the quietest and most intimate times, when the four of them are somehow curled up together on the one bed or the one couch, John even becomes Jack.

The three gently encourage him to try some sort of counselling. He does. It helps to be able to talk to a third part, to someone where he’s not afraid he’ll be left alone again. He starts practicing being happy, as it comes naturally, and savours every moment of happiness he gets.

John’s kisses are always a happy moment. It never changes. John’s kisses are silent encouragement, gentle reminders that he is loved.

He is wanted.

He is loved.

(He can’t remember the last time he felt that way.)

\---

His first kiss from Lafayette doesn’t come long after Charles became their fourth. It’s during a peaceful moment, when the four are on the couch watching some odd animated movie on Laf’s big and fancy television. Charles is leaning against the arm of the couch, Laf’s head is resting against his shoulder, Alex is lying back against his stomach, and John is lying on his side under Alex’s arm. It was a quiet thing. Laf kisses Charles’s shoulder, and Charles looks over at them. Their eyes have a spark in them, as they always do, and they gently touch his face. Charles leans into it without thinking.

Being careful not to dislodge Alex or John, they lean up a bit and kiss his cheek. Charles can’t help a small smile. He’s been smiling a lot more since that night. Not very suddenly but with no warning, Laf leans up a little more and softly kisses Charles’ lips. It’s not big or impressive, but it’s still amazing. The kiss leaves no more room for argument.

Laf is still smiling when they pull back, and they brush Charles’ hair out of his face. They settle back onto Charles’ shoulder with a satisfied sigh, and Charles closes his eyes. He doesn’t care about the movie anymore. 

He is content.

(What an odd feeling.)

\---

Alex’s first kiss to him is in a moment completely unlike Laf’s. It is during a moment where Charles isn’t sure. He doesn’t know anything. He just wants it all to  _ stop _ .

John and Laf aren’t there. There’s nothing they could do, but Alex is in the house. Charles is in his bathroom, the door closed but not locked. The lock broke years ago, and Charles has been the only one living there for a long time so he never got it fixed. He didn’t care enough.

Charles is curled up on the floor, leaning against the cupboard under the sink. His nails are digging into his skin, and he can’t tell if he’s bleeding or not. Everything hurts. But as much as he wants to be left alone and for it all to end, he wants Alex to find him. He wants Alex to talk him down, to remind him that he’s not alone anymore.

But he is alone, he’s so  _ endlessly alone. _

Alex does find him eventually. Charles hears him curse in a string of English, French and Spanish, before his hands touch Charles’ wrists again, like they were the morning after that night. Alex speaks to him in gentle Spanish that he can’t comprehend, and eventually comes to realise that Charles cannot move or speak. He forces Charles’ hands into his own, and Charles grips him like it’s the only thing tying him to Earth. In this moment, that’s not actually too far from the truth.

Eventually, it all slows down. He can breathe a bit easier, he can move a bit, and he can understand what Alex is saying. He understands that Alex is telling him about John and Laf, even about himself. Eventually, he pulls his head up, only then realising that Alex had been playing with Charles’ hair.

Charles looks over at Alex. “ _ Gracias _ ,” he manages to choke out.

He cannot say another word before Alex kisses him. He kisses like he speaks or writes or debates: with fire and passion, and it is when he pulls away that Charles finds he wants more. “ _ Está bien _ ,” Alex replies. “I’ve fought death too many times to see him take someone I care about.”

Charles isn’t sure what he means. Alex kisses him again.

(He wants  _ so much more _ .)

\---

He fits in with them. It’s an amazing wonderful  _ magnificent _ feeling.

Another amazing feeling is finding something he enjoys. For the longest time he’s watched everyone else have hobbies and pastimes and things they do for fun, and he’s never had one of those.

That is, until he sees a group of hip hop dancers on the news. He can’t really explain why, but the sight of other teenagers up on a stage and genuinely having a good time sticks with him for the longest time.

He talks to his partners (he still can’t quite believe that he’s their actual  _ boyfriend _ ) and his therapist about it. They all say the same thing, and he pushes past his anxiety and signs up for a dance class.

He’s good at it. The others, a lot of them minorities like himself, welcome him with open arms. He trials bi-weekly classes for a month and his partners say they’ve never seen him happier. He sticks with dancing.

(For the first time in a long time, he is  _ truly _ happy.)

\---

Life gets better. It’s not perfect, and none of them believe that life can ever be perfect, but it gets better.

They have each other through everything. Through thick and thin, for better or for worse, they all have each other.

Life isn’t perfect. Life never will be perfect.

But at least for now, life is good.

 

For the first time, everything is falling into place.

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings: plans of suicide, kinda a suicide attempt, internalised arophobia, anxiety attacks, people with very low self-esteem and with very big mental health issues
> 
> Spanish translations (some might be rough, I'm a Spanish student):  
> Buenos días: Good morning  
> ¿Que hora es?: What time is it?  
> Casi ocho: Casi ocho  
> Buenos días, idiota: Good morning, jerk
> 
> (I really love Jon Rua so of course Charles was going to end up being a dancer, ye of little faith)
> 
> thanks everyone for reading! comments and kudos are always appreciated! be strong everyone, and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it <3


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